Monday, December 27, 2010

Grum-py

I always try to be sort of careful when I post because I don't want to offend my "audience," but today I feel like no one ever checks this, so I'm not going to hold back.

My position in life is really starting to get to me. I never thought that, at 28, I'd be five years in to my career and find that the company I work for is shutting down and I'm (soon to be) unemployed. The good thing is that I spent the first five years of my career at the same company, so my severance package reflects that. I just can't let myself get to the point of thinking "I'll be getting the same paycheck through the month of March, so I have time to find another job. And if I don't find another job, I can always collect unemployment." No. Unemployment is the very last thing I want to collect. I know it's there to help when you hit a rough patch, but I'd just rather not even go there. To me, it sounds like a trap. And the amount I'd collect wouldn't even cover my rent.

The smart (and obvious) thing for me to do would be to find a job and start quickly. That way, I'd be earning a paycheck and still collecting my severance, which I would just sock away. At least some of it, anyway. Not that I plan on going on some shoe shopping spree or anything, but the likelihood of me staying in Orlando for much longer is faily low. Some of those monies will be spent on relocation unless I find a job somewhere that will defray my moving costs. That would be fantastic.

Back to the Orlando thing. I just haven't felt a strong pull to stay there. I have enjoyed my time there, but I don't feel like there is too much holding me there. Sure, I have a handful of great friends that I've made and will stay close with there, but I know that we'll be friends whether I live in the same city or not, so I'm not factoring that in. For the longest time, I felt like Orlando was the heart of hospitality jobs and that I could easily stay in or around the area and enjoy a fantastic career. Now I'm beginning to realize that there are a whole host of jobs that I could do that somehow tie in to my degree that aren't hospitality-specific. I guess I'm finally getting out of that hospitality = hotels and restaurants mentality. What the heck took me so long?

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret getting my degree in hospitality for a second. I'd do it over again without question. I just don't think I realized, while I was in school, that I wouldn't really want a job that required me to be available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. It wasn't until I settled in to my (mostly) Monday through Friday, 8:30 to 5:30 job that that's really where I saw myself all along. Yes, I'm comfortable with having to work over the weekends periodically and having to work later than 5:30 when I need to, but consistency is what I crave. I want to be able to make commitments outside of work and keep them. I want to know that I can and will go to church every Sunday. So instead of littering International Drive with my resume and taking the first decent offer from a big name hotel chain, I'm being a little more selective and perhaps open-minded to which jobs I'm applying for.

It's almost funny how this has all affected me. I've been somewhat hesitant to tell people the after January I won't have a job because it feels awkward, but then I'm realizing that the only way to get people's help is to let them know. So I have told people that I've felt either needed to know or would be supportive and maybe even give me a lead or two. When I've had these conversations, I tend to laugh about it. Not because it's really all that funny, but that's just what happens. Maybe I'm just trying to lighten the mood because it is kind of a bomb to drop on someone. But there have certainly been those moments where I fall apart, where my brain just won't shut off and the what-in-the-world-is-happening-to-me thoughts won't stop. And then I crumble. And then I get mad because I'd finally gotten to a point where, for several months, I didn't shed a single tear and now I'm back to being that crybaby again. Only this time, instead of not caring who sees me because I can't think about anything but my own pain knowing that I was just a walking ball of raw nerves, I am overly conscious and feel weak for not being better able to suck it up and deal. You couldn't pay me enough money to go back in time to a year ago, but I'm having a hard time seeing how this is much better.

My dad keeps telling me how it's the refiner's fire and that all of these things that I'm going through will help me. I know that he's right, but it doesn't make it any easier. I don't discount the strides I've made over the last year at all. I know that I'm headed in the right direction, which is really the most important thing. Recently, I had some conversations with my parents and others regarding a personal step I'm looking to take. I will be waiting until my brother gets home, but I've had the thought that maybe these trials are to help further prepare me to appreciate what's to come and to make it all the better. I think it will and none of this will take me off course. And I'm certain that all of this is happening for a reason. I have to believe that or there'd be no point in enduring any of it. My impatient personality struggles, though, because I want to know NOW what the reason is and how it's all supposed to work out. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for the lightbulb to go off about some other things that have happened, so I don't think there's going to be a quick, easy answer to this either.

Practice patience. So much easier said than done.

1 comment:

Reagan said...

That really sucks but I can say I'm sure something better is in the works for you! Hang in there, keep your mind open and something awesome will happen.

Also, don't forget to check out Nashville! There are many people from Satellite up here and the people are fabulous. :)