I’m a girl, therefore I think. A lot. Sometimes I think too much for my own sanity.
Lately, I’ve been pretty good about it, just coasting along and not really thinking into things too much. I guess enough was enough and my destructive thinking habits came back with a vengeance. As tired as I was last night, when I got ready to fall asleep, I couldn’t keep my mind from racing. As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, there it was again. I’ve always said that I’d never do well in prison because I’d think myself to death. I would. I would think and think and think until they had to either put me in a padded room or sedate me.
Now that this little monster has reared its ugly head, I realize how nice it was to not think about anything. I was enjoying just going with the flow. I was enjoying taking things as they come and not being too concerned about what really happened because, ultimately, it would all be fine. I’m ready for that mindset to come back. If I could figure out how to make it come back, I would do it.
As much as I’d like to stay in this worry-free place, I’m not convinced that it’s completely possible. At least not for me. I’m not one of those happy-all-the-time people. I have bad days and things go wrong and I think it’s perfectly healthy to have ups and downs. I really don’t understand people who aren’t the least bit ruffled by anything going wrong, ever. That, to me, is just unnatural and a little part of me wants to shake people like that and yell “Get upset about something! Show a different emotion!” It’s probably a good thing that I keep that little bit of crazy in my head.
On a more positive note, I have been constantly reminded lately that things happen for a reason. I’ve never felt like things happen at random in life. I’ve always felt like there’s a grand plan and that things that are supposed to happen, will. It’s always nice to have those beliefs reaffirmed with actual happenings in life. It’s comforting to me to be able to look back over a period of time and see that, even though I really wanted my life to go in one direction, it clearly wasn’t the one that was meant for me.
This all goes back to my whole over-thinking problem. When I really want something and try to force it, it takes me forever to really let it go and I have to get that much more distance on the situation before realizing that it just wasn’t meant to be. And during this time, I’m usually pretty angry and hostile and feel victimized, to some degree. If I hadn’t been so consumed with my own wants, I would’ve been able to see that whatever it was just wasn’t right for me. When I’m more relaxed and allow myself to make choices based less on what I want right this minute, I’m blessed with things that I never could’ve imagined and that are far better than what I wanted to begin with.
Perhaps I just need to be less selfish and self-absorbed. I need to realize that everything isn’t about me all the time and what I want. I should "practice patience" (as my mom says to me all the time) and be more open to opportunity and I’ll probably be a lot better off.
If only I could figure out where to purchase a little patience…
Lately, I’ve been pretty good about it, just coasting along and not really thinking into things too much. I guess enough was enough and my destructive thinking habits came back with a vengeance. As tired as I was last night, when I got ready to fall asleep, I couldn’t keep my mind from racing. As soon as I opened my eyes this morning, there it was again. I’ve always said that I’d never do well in prison because I’d think myself to death. I would. I would think and think and think until they had to either put me in a padded room or sedate me.
Now that this little monster has reared its ugly head, I realize how nice it was to not think about anything. I was enjoying just going with the flow. I was enjoying taking things as they come and not being too concerned about what really happened because, ultimately, it would all be fine. I’m ready for that mindset to come back. If I could figure out how to make it come back, I would do it.
As much as I’d like to stay in this worry-free place, I’m not convinced that it’s completely possible. At least not for me. I’m not one of those happy-all-the-time people. I have bad days and things go wrong and I think it’s perfectly healthy to have ups and downs. I really don’t understand people who aren’t the least bit ruffled by anything going wrong, ever. That, to me, is just unnatural and a little part of me wants to shake people like that and yell “Get upset about something! Show a different emotion!” It’s probably a good thing that I keep that little bit of crazy in my head.
On a more positive note, I have been constantly reminded lately that things happen for a reason. I’ve never felt like things happen at random in life. I’ve always felt like there’s a grand plan and that things that are supposed to happen, will. It’s always nice to have those beliefs reaffirmed with actual happenings in life. It’s comforting to me to be able to look back over a period of time and see that, even though I really wanted my life to go in one direction, it clearly wasn’t the one that was meant for me.
This all goes back to my whole over-thinking problem. When I really want something and try to force it, it takes me forever to really let it go and I have to get that much more distance on the situation before realizing that it just wasn’t meant to be. And during this time, I’m usually pretty angry and hostile and feel victimized, to some degree. If I hadn’t been so consumed with my own wants, I would’ve been able to see that whatever it was just wasn’t right for me. When I’m more relaxed and allow myself to make choices based less on what I want right this minute, I’m blessed with things that I never could’ve imagined and that are far better than what I wanted to begin with.
Perhaps I just need to be less selfish and self-absorbed. I need to realize that everything isn’t about me all the time and what I want. I should "practice patience" (as my mom says to me all the time) and be more open to opportunity and I’ll probably be a lot better off.
If only I could figure out where to purchase a little patience…
1 comment:
If you happen to find where to purchase the elusive patience, let me know. I'd pay top dollar for some of my own. But it is true that things happen for a reason, and only hindsight will ever tell you so. Hindsight is a cruel mistress. Or mister, in our case :)
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