Monday, April 5, 2010

Sensory Overload

I'm kind of at a loss for words right now, yet felt the need all day to blog. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother blogging anymore because I write in my journal every day. But then sometimes I think maybe someone might be interested in some piece of information I post up here. They're not going to get anything from my journal, that's for sure.

This past weekend my church held General Conference. I looked forward to it more this time than I ever have. And I think I enjoyed it more than I ever have before, too. I felt spiritually fed and so uplifted. I was a little sad when it was over, but am looking forward to being able to read the talks again in the Ensign next month. There were so many good talks given that it'd be difficult to recap any of them individually or collectively. Justice wouldn't be done anyway.

I thought a lot about the last year's General Conference in April and also about Easter last year. It was interesting that both fell in the same weekend this year. This year, as we did last year, my parents and I went to my grandparents' house. Coley was with us last year and that was the last General Conference that we got to "attend" together. (I used the quotes because we watched it on TV and it seems like a half-truth to say that we went somewhere for it, when we sat on the couch.) That was also the last time that he saw our maternal grandparents. I tried not to think about how sad it was to leave. It was odd to think that, simply because they're not exactly young, it couild be the last time that he got to see them. I'm not trying to be morbid and I would absolutely hate for that to be the case, but it's a possibility and I think about those things. (I blame my dad and the "Be prepared" motto that he drilled into my head, being the good Boy Scout that he is.) I am happy to say that the grandparents are doing well. They haven't changed much since he left and I hope that we keep it that way.

Easter fell the next weekend, which we spent in Park City. Four days, to be exact, before he entered the MTC. It was cold and just plain weird. At some point during that trip, I realized that I've never been to Utah and not cried or experienced something traumatic. Granted, the other times were far from worth it. I doubt I could forget that trip, though, whether or not I had the detailed memory that I am blessed (or cursed, sometimes) with.

It's crazy to me that we're fast approaching Coley's one year mark. In some ways, I never thought this day would come. And I think I'll feel the same a year from now when we're days away from him being home. As I read his e-mail to my parents tonight, I couldn't hold back the tears. And, for the record, it's been a pretty long time since I've cried at one of his e-mails. Those tears were a result of many emotions. I'm proud of him and the things that he's accomplished, especially over the last year. I miss his jokes and the way he makes me laugh and even the way he makes fun of me.

I guess those aren't really the things that cause tears, though. What got to me, I think, was the news that he's been transferred to a new area and will be getting a brand new missionary, straight from the states, to train on Wednesday. I am certain that he is more than capable of being a great example to his new companion, but I could sense the nervous tone in his e-mail. He's always telling us how he doesn't like change, but knows that this is when he'll learn to deal with it. Even so, it doesn't sound as though it's getting any easier for him to take. And combining a new area and a new companion and the responsibility of training is probably weighing on him. I've always enabled him and it's been a long running joke in our family. I can't do that now. And, more upsetting than the lack of enabling that I'm allowed to do, I can't tell him rightthisminute that he'll be fine and that he can do this. He also mentioned that he got sick this past week, too. For some reason, it really bothers me to hear that he's been sick. Thank goodness he's been very lucky and hasn't been sick that often.

He had some funny stories, too. Ones that made me realize how well he's gotten to know people in his area over the last four months. He mentioned that he was sad to be leaving the area that he was in and that other members were sad to see him go, too. Surprise, surprise. They fell under the Coley Spell! It's the funny or silly things that are somewhat anti-climactic for me. Few people, outside my family, know Coley as well as I do. And I think that in a lot of ways, you have to know him to understand why and how things that he says are funny. I love to share things about him, but telling my parents something that they've already read isn't as exciting and telling those who don't know how he is just isn't as fun.

I have no idea where I'm going with any of this. Or maybe I do and I'm realizing that this isn't the right place for it... It's a good thing I don't get paid to do this. I'd be fired.

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