I struggle with agency. The one that means "the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power." Sometimes it's with my own, but often times it's with others'.
I struggle with my own when I think of times that I either didn't use it wisely or I didn't use it at all. I was probably scared or stupid or lazy during those periods in my life. If I could go back and do things over again, I might, but also know that those experiences have made me who I am. And not just the experiences themselves, but the consequences, too. The whole package. I can't, though, so it's silly to even entertain the thought. What I love is that mistakes can be corrected, wrongs can be made right and I can move forward on the path that I always saw myself or wanted to be on.
I struggle with other peoples' agency because I can't always understand what goes in to their decision making process or I don't understand what's behind the choices they make. It could be none of my business and not affect me in any way, but I sort of worry about the potential consequences that they face. The choices could have nothing to do with me, but directly affect me and the way I live my life and I worry about them and me and what the consequences mean for everyone. While I want so badly to do something about it, I really can't. Or I feel like I can't or shouldn't or am not entitled to.
I think I would just love for things to be black and white. Things, life is easier that way. But it isn't the case. There's all this grey area and lots of different shades of grey. I'm well aware of this, I just wish I couldn't see all the shades. If I only saw the black or the white and no grey, I might think less, I might be less crazy, I might worry and wonder less. I'd be very different, though, that's for sure.
Tonight I had the privilege of being at a Q&A fireside with Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He was in Orlando to speak a year or so ago, but I didn't go for various reasons. Upon hearing that he was back, I wasn't about to miss him again. As he mentioned more than once, this opportunity doesn't come along that often. I am beyond glad that I went. About three-quarters of the way through the meeting, it occurred to me that I was in a room of a couple hundred people. Up until that point, I felt like I was sitting in a room with him and maybe a handful of others. I'm sure that sounds strange, but I can't really describe it much better than that.
Talk about food for thought. I took a few pages of notes, which probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone else. Heck, I may not even be able to read it all tomorrow. In theory, I'd like to re-write them all and elaborate on what I thought he said or what I was getting out of what he was saying, but I don't think I will. I think I will tuck those notes in my journal to reference later... in life. I think I'll look forward to reading over them again, along with the feelings that I'll capture as I write in my journal tonight.
I know people that I feel are "spiritual giants" and that just ooze knowledge and experience when it comes to the Gospel. I wouldn't think to use "spiritual" as a way to describe myself and I've only ever heard one person say that they thought I was (to my face). I was taken aback when I heard it and just sort of thought "I wish! You are SO out of my league, so how you think that is beyond me. But... okay..." Of course, I didn't say that, though. I'm sure I just smiled and said the first goofball thing that came to my brain-o-mush. Then I tucked it away and decided that I needed to work on getting there. I may never hear someone say it again, but it's something that I'd like to be and that takes work. Constant work.
There were a couple of people that came to mind when thinking about who I could share my "excitement" with on the way home tonight. Unfortunately, they were unreachable for one reason or another. I was glad to be able to talk to my parents when I got home, but sometimes I feel like if I share those "I finally get it!" moments, they're going to think "What took you so long?" Maybe it's good that there was no one to spill my guts to. I was forced to reflect and was able to continue to take it all in. And I was reminded that I'm absolutely on the right track.
I struggle with my own when I think of times that I either didn't use it wisely or I didn't use it at all. I was probably scared or stupid or lazy during those periods in my life. If I could go back and do things over again, I might, but also know that those experiences have made me who I am. And not just the experiences themselves, but the consequences, too. The whole package. I can't, though, so it's silly to even entertain the thought. What I love is that mistakes can be corrected, wrongs can be made right and I can move forward on the path that I always saw myself or wanted to be on.
I struggle with other peoples' agency because I can't always understand what goes in to their decision making process or I don't understand what's behind the choices they make. It could be none of my business and not affect me in any way, but I sort of worry about the potential consequences that they face. The choices could have nothing to do with me, but directly affect me and the way I live my life and I worry about them and me and what the consequences mean for everyone. While I want so badly to do something about it, I really can't. Or I feel like I can't or shouldn't or am not entitled to.
I think I would just love for things to be black and white. Things, life is easier that way. But it isn't the case. There's all this grey area and lots of different shades of grey. I'm well aware of this, I just wish I couldn't see all the shades. If I only saw the black or the white and no grey, I might think less, I might be less crazy, I might worry and wonder less. I'd be very different, though, that's for sure.
Tonight I had the privilege of being at a Q&A fireside with Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He was in Orlando to speak a year or so ago, but I didn't go for various reasons. Upon hearing that he was back, I wasn't about to miss him again. As he mentioned more than once, this opportunity doesn't come along that often. I am beyond glad that I went. About three-quarters of the way through the meeting, it occurred to me that I was in a room of a couple hundred people. Up until that point, I felt like I was sitting in a room with him and maybe a handful of others. I'm sure that sounds strange, but I can't really describe it much better than that.
Talk about food for thought. I took a few pages of notes, which probably wouldn't make much sense to anyone else. Heck, I may not even be able to read it all tomorrow. In theory, I'd like to re-write them all and elaborate on what I thought he said or what I was getting out of what he was saying, but I don't think I will. I think I will tuck those notes in my journal to reference later... in life. I think I'll look forward to reading over them again, along with the feelings that I'll capture as I write in my journal tonight.
I know people that I feel are "spiritual giants" and that just ooze knowledge and experience when it comes to the Gospel. I wouldn't think to use "spiritual" as a way to describe myself and I've only ever heard one person say that they thought I was (to my face). I was taken aback when I heard it and just sort of thought "I wish! You are SO out of my league, so how you think that is beyond me. But... okay..." Of course, I didn't say that, though. I'm sure I just smiled and said the first goofball thing that came to my brain-o-mush. Then I tucked it away and decided that I needed to work on getting there. I may never hear someone say it again, but it's something that I'd like to be and that takes work. Constant work.
There were a couple of people that came to mind when thinking about who I could share my "excitement" with on the way home tonight. Unfortunately, they were unreachable for one reason or another. I was glad to be able to talk to my parents when I got home, but sometimes I feel like if I share those "I finally get it!" moments, they're going to think "What took you so long?" Maybe it's good that there was no one to spill my guts to. I was forced to reflect and was able to continue to take it all in. And I was reminded that I'm absolutely on the right track.
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